The One Word You Must Eliminate When You Want to Make a Change...and What to Say Instead

Every once in a while, someone says something so profound that the words just stick. Snippets of great wisdom can be exchanged during even the shortest of interactions. You never know who or what may deliver the message. I was fortunate to be on the receiving end of such a conversation that would change my perspective forever. I received this little nugget of wisdom a little over 20 years ago. But I can still hear the words in my head like it was just yesterday.
 
It was during my formative years in high school that I received this advice. I was a senior and my attendance record was subpar, to say the least. I had just lost credit in a requisite course, and I couldn’t graduate without it. My grade in that class was decent but I lost credit because I skipped one too many classes (in all fairness, it was first period and I was no early bird). So there I was in the principal’s office once more that year. I was in the midst of trying to cut a deal with her. I would do anything if only she would appeal my loss of credit in that class so I could graduate on time.  But her reaction to my proposition wasn’t nearly as life altering, as were the words that came with it.
 
Often times when someone is dispensing advice, we don’t always realize in the moment that the words will have much of an impact on us. Words sometimes have to be processed first and then incorporated somewhere into our world paradigm. They need to settle and then be applied. Only once we apply them in practice do we start to see their true significance. But that’s not how it happened in this instance. When my principal said these words, simple as they sounded at the time, I had an Aha! Moment. Our conversation went something like this:
 
Me: I really need this credit so I can graduate on time. I know I missed a lot of classes. But is there any way you can appeal it for me? I can’t go to summer school and I have to graduate on time or my parents will kill me.
 
Principal: I’ll tell you what. If you bring up your GPA to a 3.0 and have perfect attendance in all of your classes for the next semester, then I will appeal the loss of credit for you.
 
(At this point, despite it being a tall order for me, I would’ve agreed to just about anything)
 
Me: Okay. Deal. I will try to bring all my grades up and go to class more. Thank you so much!
 
(Wait a second…not so fast…life-altering advice to come…)
 
Principal: Please do not tell me that you are going to “try” to do something. Trying is for babies. Babies try to do things. Adults do things. If you decide that you are going to do something then you do it. You do not say to someone (or to yourself) that you are going to try to do it.
 
Me: (Pause. Processing life-altering advice…) Okay. I will do it.
 
After I uttered those words to her and to myself, it was decided in that moment that I had no choice but to follow through on my word. Despite my natural knee-jerk reaction to debate her, I didn’t have a response this time because I knew she was right. It was almost as if she had told me, in so many words, that despite my track record, I really could do anything that I chose to do. But I would have to fix my self-talk first.
 
Stop saying you’ll “try”
To this day I cringe internally when I hear myself or someone else say they are going to “try” to do something. If I know the person well enough, I impart my principal’s wisdom onto them. My experiences are a testament to the truth of my principal’s words.
 
Stop trying to get healthy
When we say that we are going to try to eat healthier or try to wake up earlier or try to go to the gym, what we are really saying is, “I am not really ready to make this change”. We are acknowledging to ourselves that it is highly possible that this will be a struggle. And then we think that as long as we say we “tried”, we can just be proud of the effort we put in, regardless of whether we really applied ourselves or not. It’s just a copout.

​When you want something badly enough nothing will stop you from getting it. If you want to go to the gym and you prioritize getting there, then you will get there. If you want to wake up earlier, then you can wake up earlier. It’s not a matter of trying to wake up. Stop giving yourself credit for just trying to do what you and I both know you really can do.
 
Have conviction
When making any change in life, whether it’s for your health or for something else, it all starts with using the right words. You need conviction. Conviction that this is what you want and that this is what you are able to do. My example from high school was the first time I practiced this. But I’ve since applied conviction in my words to waking up early, eating less sugar, lifting weights regularly, walking more and really anything else I’ve ever decided to change. Trust me when I say, it really helps.
 
Ways to improve your self-talk to make healthy change:

1.) Say you “can”
Discover the difference in meaning for yourself: “I’ll try to wake up earlier” vs. “I can wake up earlier”. In one instance there is much uncertainty about your abilities. In the other you are confirming that you are capable. Though seemingly small, the difference can have a huge impact on your mindset and consequently, your actions.

2.) Say you “will”
No one likes to break a promise. It’s true that it’s easier to break a promise to yourself than it is to others. This is because we can modify the consequences that we dole out to ourselves. But just because you can get away with breaking a promise to yourself doesn’t mean it won’t have a negative impact on your wellbeing and self-esteem. When you say you will do something, you are committing with confidence. You are subconsciously saying, that you will do whatever it takes to make something happen. Words are powerful. Love yourself enough to keep your own promises. You deserve this.

3.) Say you “get to”
Listen how this sounds: “I’m going to try to wake up early tomorrow” vs. “I get to wake up early tomorrow”. Which sounds more likely to happen? Again, in one instance, I’d bet good money on the snooze button. In the other, an opportunity for something promising sounds possible. Saying you “get to” do something shifts your perspective towards appreciating and seizing an opportunity rather than the negative connotation of trying (and struggling) to do something. The difference is clear.

4.) Remind yourself that you are capable of change
Recall other instances in life when you were successful. These are called mastery experiences, or examples of self-efficacy. I didn’t have an excellent track record in high school but I was a good student before that. Truthfully, I initially doubted my ability to follow through with my end of the deal. But deep down I knew from experience that I could do it. I had evidence from the past on my side. And I was right.
 
Happy ending
For those of you who are curious, I did end up graduating on time that year. The confidence I had in myself continued to improve after I was able to bring my grades up considerably (well above our agreed upon 3.0 average).  I also maintained a near-perfect attendance record for the rest of that year. This achievement demonstrated to myself that I could decide at any time that I was going to change. I went on to carry this mindset with me through college where I made mostly A’s. I continue to apply this lesson in my adult life.
 
Crossing the stage
I had little desire to actually attend my graduation ceremony because I always felt I had better things to do than to attend any school-related functions. But my plans changed when my principal learned that I hadn’t even purchased my cap and gown.  It was out of gratitude and respect for her that I decided to attend. Neither of us knew it at the time but her words that day in her office had a significant impact on my future trajectory and pursuits. Looking back, I am so very grateful that I had that opportunity to thank her while crossing the stage.
 
This post is a tribute to her memory. I hope that during their journey, all young adults are as fortunate as I was to have such a positive role model on their side. A role model who tells them that they can do whatever they put their minds to if only they believe first that they’re capable.
 
What are your thoughts about this? Are there words that you use that help empower you to make a positive change? Are there words you avoid? Please leave a comment below!

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